It is when I am not sure that I feel God the most, said my friend.
It is when the path is darkest that I’m sure the light is there.
It is when I let go that I receive.
It is when I stop guarding myself from God, when I start trusting God, when I step out in faith, into the night, that I find my way.
That I find – his way.
It is not really my way at all; it is his.
If you would follow me, you must deny your self – you must take up your cross and prepare to die with me; you must follow me beyond the grave to the resurrection.
But! You are the Messiah, the expected King. What is going on here?
It is necessary…
Is it?
Get behind me, Tempter! For your thoughts are not God’s thoughts nor your ways God’s way: if you try to preserve your self you will lose your self, if you lose your self, you will gain life.
It is when I am not sure that I feel God the most.
It is when I let go and trust,
when there is nothing to turn to,
and no light on the way,
that I know I am homeward bound.
There is a breath in the midst of the darkness,
in the absence a pregnant pause: he is listening;
the world is listening, he is present.
It is when I find no purpose inside myself,
and no hidden inner resource,
that I am most thrown back upon God, who is faithful.
When the promise is impossible, then it is kept.
When I no longer try to keep it to myself, I fully receive it.
I am most receptive to God’s leading, when I am least sure of my own.
When I am not sure where to go, what to do, where he wants me to go, what he wants me to do, it is then that I feel God the most.
It is when he is absent that I know he is here.
It is when I give up my self, preserving my own life, my way,
that I find my way, gain my life, and receive my self.
“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”― Thomas Merton, Thoughts in Solitude (1956)
Mark 8:31-38
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"Feeling God's presence in times of uncertainty," Keeping the Faith, Arizona Daily Star, March 28th 2021, E3.
Mark 8:31-38
Jesus Foretells His Death and Resurrection
Then he began to teach them that the Son of Man must undergo great suffering, and be rejected by the elders, the chief priests, and the scribes, and be killed, and after three days rise again. He said all this quite openly. And Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. But turning and looking at his disciples, he rebuked Peter and said, ‘Get behind me, Satan! For you are setting your mind not on divine things but on human things.’
He called the crowd with his disciples, and said to them, ‘If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake, and for the sake of the gospel, will save it. For what will it profit them to gain the whole world and forfeit their life? Indeed, what can they give in return for their life? Those who are ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, of them the Son of Man will also be ashamed when he comes in the glory of his Father with the holy angels.’
